negotiated

I think we ended our search this weekend. We found a place called Bella Vista Lake Washington where the lake is literally across the street. It's a townhouse-style place, 3 levels with garage on the bottom. It was built in 2000 so it's not only good looking but much newer construction than many of the "updated" places we've seen. We even negotiated a lower rent! We got down to $1550. The place we reserved has a partial view of the lake. The ones with a view were around $2000 which is a bit out of our range. The garage means we can have the BOAT. With the lake across the street this is wonderful. Nathan's parents basically gave him their boat (which coincidentally is my parents' old boat) and has been sitting at someone's house 2 hours away because he had nowhere to store it or use it. This could make our summer amazing...Sunset boat rides on the lake, waterskiing, tubing, wakeboarding all day...ahhhh so fun! We don't even have to go anywhere it's all right there!

There are some gorgeous houses right on the lake too as we drive in to our's. I will never get tired of looking at them and dreaming of the day we can someday own one. There's public access and a big park across the street and who knows what else around the corner. Our floorplan has a deck each side we can sit on our balcony and watch the boats go by. As long as our applications are approved we're in! And that's not really a concern so basically...it's our's in May! It's between Bellevue and Renton which is a bit further south than we'd wanted...but for the lake we're willing to sacrifice.

I was actually getting really nervous today about it, starting to worry about the commute I'd have to make if I get a job in Seattle. I just don't want to get home with only hours to spare before bed. I know that's an exageration but I'm just not a commuting girl. I'm from Montana! It's still a possibility that I'll have to but Nathan reminded me I can't go into it thinking negatively or it really won't be good. So I'm just trusting that something will work out. However, my roommate did open up a whole new possibility: I could easily apply further south in Federal Way/Auburn/Tacoma and have about the same amount of time in a commute or even less. I'd be going the opposite direction of everyone driving into Seattle so I really wouldn't hit bad traffic. I am so excited she suggested this because it opens up a whole new window of opportunities. Working with homeless and at risk populations in Tacoma? Hi perfect place! I'd love to be in Seattle but I have no problem going the other direction. I've never worked in either place before anyway so it's all new to me no matter where I go. I'm excited because now I have a range spanning like 60 miles where I can search for jobs. This could be so good!

The weekend went by way too fast. The weather was absolutely gorgeous which made the lake even more appealing. I cannot wait until I don't have to drive anymore. With the nice weather though it only takes me 3 hours and 40 minutes which isn't terrible...but I just want to get there and stay there for good. Next time I go over it will be nearly May and we are going to order our first big furniture purchase: a new couch! We think we want a sectional but we'll see what fits our price range and new floorplan. I can't wait. We also HAVE to get kitchen chairs. Nathan has a gorgeous wood table but I have no idea where the chairs are. So those are our two big purchases up front. We've got dreams of big ottomans, fancy rugs and all things modern...but they will have to come with time as we take it slowly with our money.

I am now officially beyond excited. I wanted to lock into a place this weekend so we could stop worrying about finding a place and start getting truly excited dreaming about the next big step.

vacationed

I'm baaaack! The cruise was lots of fun. I definitely would have done a few things differently (packed more jeans and inside clothes, ate a little less, slept in more, stayed up later) but for the most part it was great! It took a while to get used to the cruise. First, the whole being on a moving ship thing. That took me about a day to adjust to. My stomach was a little off and my head felt heavy (I actually felt just like I do when I drink too much) but I started to get the hang of it. I so wish we could have spent more time in Mexico. We had to tender into Cabo because the water was too shallow and the whole tendering process (riding in on small boats) took for-ever and resulted in only being able to spend a few hours there. Cabo was my least favorite of the three ports but even so, I wanted more! Having never been on a cruise I didn't realize that it truly would be about the cruise, not about the Mexican ports. Those were only a small part of the overall trip. The rest of the time it was about food and shows and pools and games. And for that I should have packed jeans, not all shorts and tank tops! But you live you learn!
Our room was tiny but just right for the two of us. Nice big bed and a balcony with a beautiful view of gorgeous sunsets each night.

The shows on the ship were great, really good singers and dancers and good comedy. There was a magician and acrobatic guy who kind of sucked but nothing to do complain about! The food was actually really good. Norweigan is not ranked very high for their food but we thought it was good. I can only imagine how good it is on the cruise that are considered "gourmet". Every meal was 3-4 courses so I think we gained a couple pounds...but we did work out every day and that saved us. Plus we told ourselves we were on vacation and that meant we could enjoy it. I looked forward to the authentic Mexican in the ports and oh it was so good. In Mazatlan we got side by side hour long massages on the sandy beach. They were amazing!

Puerta Vallerta was our favorite. I never wanted to leave. We went on an excursion to a private island called Las Caletas (Google it, it's been in movies). It was gorgeous with a private sandy beach and chairs, a spa, kayaking, snorkeling, playing with seals, an open bar and awesome food. It was a beautiful day and soooo much fun. When we left we took a taxi the boardwalk in PV which is beach on one side and restaurants and shops along the other. I love love loved it. The sunset was AWESOME too. We ate dinner at a restaurant that was on the third floor of a building with open air windows overlooking the beach.

There were many challenging moments where we'd stupidly argue over dumb things, as would be expected for any couple I'd hope. It was good for us to try out this first big vacation together and it was really wonderful. We laughed a lot, reminisced a lot, talked a lot about the future and just had a really good time. We spent lots of money on Bingo (and came so close to winning $1000 but didn't) and restaurants (all but 2 of the 10 on the ship were free) and some little souvenirs. But really it was so worth it...and not that bad. We barely drank any alcohol at all because it was crazy expensive ($10-$15 a drink) and we figured we could put that money towards other, more fun stuff. The night we got there Nathan started to unpack and realized he only had four shirts. This was a huge deal considering we'd planned to work out everyday...and once Nathan wears a shirt to work out it cannot be worn again (he sweats). So um..he needed like 15 shirts, not four. The week before we left I got a suitcase ready for him as I was doing laundry and filled it with shorts, pants, sandals and everything he would need except t-shirts. And the REASON I didn't pack t-shirts was because, even though I filled his drawer with tens of shirts, he insisted I not pack him any because he wanted to be able to wear them the week before the cruise and would then do laundry and pack the night before. He failed on that last step. We had a good laugh about it and then paid $4.95 a shirt to get the housekeepers to wash his shirts for him...silly boy.

The last couple days at sea were cloudy and windy so we kind of lost our tans. They're still visable but not quite as great as they were. But we don't need the dark skin to prove we went there. We will have some really great memories that will last even longer and that will tide me over for sure. It was hard to take pictures when it was just the two of us but I think we got some good ones.

All in all this much-needed vacation was sooo good and just an awesome time for us. Now it's back to work and school in a little while (this coming week is actually spring break so I have a little longer before starting back up). I am going to start applying for jobs tomorrow. Graduation is so close and I need to find a job so we can start our new life together. But I'm not counting down anymore. I'm beyond excited to be with Nathan and for that I CANNOT wait... but the rest is bittersweet as I will so miss my friends and my job. I will still look at my ticker of course but I am not so anxious as I was months ago.

I love Nathan so so so much. :)

sleepy bear

Today, while working with my friend Rosetta Stone on my Spanish lessons, I got so tired I laid down and took a nap. This is a big deal since I have not had the time to take a nap on a weekday in months...years... and even if I was tired enough, I wouldn't let myself. Apparently today it caught up with me because I was exhausted! Luckily the Schwann's man interrupted my sleep after an hour or I could have slept until morning. I think this is a sign that a relaxing spring break in Mexico is precisely what the doctor ordered. We leave in one week!

Nathan did not make proper arrangements to make it over here this weekend despite the weather so he has bribed me to travel to see him. He owes me big time. :) I'm so ready to see him though. We went 3 weeks and it was clearly too long for us. We have vowed to not let that happen again and I hope we can stick to it as we ride out these last 3 months.

I had a big presentation today for school and now all that's left is another presentation next week and my piece of our group paper. It won't take much to finish so really I feel like I'm about finished with this quarter. Thank goodness because it has been the most boring ever as far as classes go...although as far as friends go it's been the best. Next quarter I am only taking the one required class and nothing else. I have more than enough electives and I'm just over school at this point so I will do only what is required of me and not feel guilty about it.

Today I cleaned my "office" and found the application I printed out for the scholarship to Tanzania. I keep looking at it, writing more on it and then putting it back. I don't know if I could really go. It would still cost me about $2500 of my own money and would require about 3 weeks off work at what would be a new position. These are issues since we're saving for moving costs for our new place, new furniture, hopefully a wedding some day, a downpayment on a house and an emergency fund. We also have two things already planned that will require time off. The Johnson Family Reunion in July and Nathan's cousin's wedding in October. Plus I'd like some extra time off at Christmas so we can go home. I worry a new employer will laugh at me if I ask for that much time off. BUT Tanzania would be an amazing experience that would fulfill my goal of one international social work trip every other year...and I feel like any agency who hires social workers understands how important this trip would be. I don't know. I feel like I should at least do the application and see if I get anywhere with it...Right now I want to do it so badly though that I'd even pay for the whole thing whether I got the scholarship or not.

Why do I feel like the real world is going to be a rude awakening for me? There's too much I want to do!

another day

Today was a hard day at work. It started out promising when I got a loan approved for a man who really needed car repairs. He came in and out of the office and called me probably 10-20 times in about two days as I worked to try to get the bank to approve a loan. It's always a surprise when they approve the loans because the bank doesn't really care much about our clients like we do as social workers. They're hard on them, they expect perfect credit, lots of money, money in savings, etc. etc. Our clients are low income and most don't even have bank accounts...so getting loans through is really hard, even when are banks are trained to be partners with our clients and their unique needs.

So when I got approval for one today, from the hardest loan officer no less, I was really excited. When I let my client know he kept thanking me so much and was clearly so happy.

This made the morning promising but the rest of the day's issues quickly overshadowed the excitement. It wasn't really one particular thing, it was just one person after another, coming in the office with their shoulders heavy and leaving in tears. Telling us about how they'd just been laid off, just gotten their car repossessed, just gotten their power shut off, just got behind on bills...Just over and over. And all I could do was sit there and say, "I'm sorry, I hear you, I wish I could help..." but we are out of resources, everyone is out of resources. The shelters are full, the churches are busy, the banks are too hard on our clients to help them, the jobs are scarce, the housing market is bad...

It's overwhelming, it's frustrating, it's sad, it's scary, it's heartbreaking. I try to help my clients find their strengths and empower them because those are the theories I practice the most...but when a person is at the end of their rope I just don't know what to say anymore. My clients are supposed to come in once a month to work on debt repayment and budgeting and saving. Our meetings have not been able to focus on these things as there are other issues far too pressing.

My supervisor is burnt out. She's been a social worker in the field for years. When she starts telling me she's had it I start to feel anxious and nervous about my own burn out. I'm just getting started, I don't ever want to burn out. But I can see how it happens. Things become so hopeless. Sad story after sad story starts to wear on a person. This is why they keep teaching us about the importance of self care. I am definitely going to add massages in my monthly budget as a start. I work out during my lunches just to get away and to stay fit. I go to weekly meetings where we staff clients and de-stress. Our homeless team workers go out once a week for morning coffee and just talk about life and let it all out. I wish our staff could do that. The problem is only two of us are social workers and the rest have business backgrounds. Most of them don't meet with clients or when they do, their clients tend to have more money and better situations.

I hope with all my heart the economy gets better soon. I'm scared for my clients, I hate wondering where they'll be sleeping tonight and whether or not they got to eat dinner. Everyone keeps saying it will still get worse before it gets better. I'm watching Oprah as they profile all of these people who became suddenly homeless. Here I sit in a four bedroom 3,000 square foot house...nearly empty but for the two of us. There is so much room here, so much more than we need. I feel guilty, spoiled...lucky.

I know things will get better and I know my clients are so strong. I know that even though I can't offer them monetary support everytime they come in I can at least offer them a listening ear and a place to vent their frustrations. I'll listen as long as they need me to.

i've got sunshine on a cloudy day...

Okay, this too shall pass. My minor big deal about nothing was just that. I simply must learn to just let life happen. It's a challenge I'm willing to work on. Often times I blog and then delete what I write because I simply just need to get it out of my head, down on 'paper' and then I'm fine. I probably could delete yesterday.

I got an e-mail yesterday saying Global Volunteers, the same group I went to Peru with, is offering 50 scholarships for graduate students in health care (social work included). The scholarships pay for half the trip to another country to do volunteer work. I've had my eye on South Africia, Romania and India. I'm considering applying as I dream about doing more international social work at least once a day. The money is always an issue right now as I don't really have a lot of time to save extra thousands of dollars. It's the plane ticket that always seems to cost the most. The rest of the money goes towards food and housing and for anything the orphanages or hospitals need...which I'm perfectly fine with. I'd love to fund raise but I think everyone is so tapped out right now it's a bad time for me to ask for something that is not a necessity.

SO. I may apply. I have to find out if I am still eligible if the trip happens after graduation though. They have some as late as 2010 which may be a better time for me to go anyway. I'm going to call them today. I partly have a feeling it might not work out but just the mere possibility is worth looking into.

I'm ready for spring. It's been raining lately which means the snow is starting to melt, finally. I was rather disappointed to hear snow in the forecast though. The problem is it's never good snow. It's crappy wet stuff that comes and goes and that really does nothing for me in the form of powder on the mountain. So if anyone is taking requests, I'd like spring now please. With some pretty flowers on the side.

my beautiful mess

I think I am going crazy. I don't know what my deal is right now but every single little thing regarding the future seems to completely control my mind at all times. I have had numerous people in my life tell me at one time or another that I need to just live in the moment. Sometimes I even like to think I do, but boy am I wrong. I am so future-oriented it's rediculous. As a girl who has no problem going with the flow or changing plans at random times, my Type A friends drive me absolutely crazy with their constant need for planning and organization and details. I am really worried I am experiencing some temporary Type A tendancies in this moment and it worries me.

I really don't have time to worry about the future and I'm not even sure what the worrying is going to accomplish. But for some reason I just can't stop thinking about it...and it doesn't help that no one is really interested in fueling my worries by letting me repeat them over and over (not that I really expect anyone is interested in that type of fun but every so often I just want to complain because I can).

So. What does this mean? And what am I worried about?
Above all things I worry that all this waiting and stock I have put into the future will suddenly just blow up in my face when I least expect it to. I can handle the unplanned easily but when the unplanned suddenly becomes my messy life...I don't do so well. I have no idea what this could be, maybe: I won't find a job, we won't get the house we want, I won't make friends, I will hate my job, I won't be able to afford all my expenses, my boyfriend will realize he doesn't want to be with me, something will happen to my family...I don't know, if I thought long enough the list could be endless.

Sometimes I just want to worry about it so that when it does happen, at least I knew it was coming...instead of spending the days with my head in the clouds thinking life is wonderful only to be suddenly caught off guard by something hugely terrible.

I hate this.

I'm crazy for worrying, I drive Nathan crazy with the worrying, I drive myself crazy...I don't know how to remedy it.

uneasy

Today Nathan and I were talking about housing and he said, "Sometimes I wonder if we're being too yuppie by insisting on living in the city instead of looking further out and saving some money." For some reason that set me off a little. I think this whole housing thing is an extremely emotional topic for me so any discussion about it gets me fired up. I was so excited that we had finally found the place. Knowing there's something solid to look forward to at the end of the road has made the waiting semi-bearable. I can imagine the house and imagine where each of our things will go, how we'll decorate...and now he suggests we keep looking.

First of all, I don't want to keep putting $100 down on places only to forfeit it. Right now we're $200 in which isn't a ton but if it keeps adding up it could be.

Secondly, I had no reason to get worked up as he wasn't even suggesting anything, just thinking outloud. And truthfully, he's right. We should keep looking to see if there's anything cheaper. I just feel like the whole process has been enough work. We've looked at something like 10 places and I've spent hours researching them all. I actually love doing it but I was thankful when we were finished. So of course after he brought this up I went online and searched Craigslist for things about $300 cheaper each month. I was surprised to find more than I thought I would. I made a new list of places we could consider...but I'm just not sure I want to. Not knowing where I'll be working makes it really hard because we can't determine what area would truly be best for us. I love Bellevue and it's perfect for Nathan so it at least satisfies 50%. No matter what one of us will have to commute so it's just a matter of who.

Maybe we started looking too soon, maybe the best thing will become available right before we're ready to move, I don't know. I'm still holding out hope for this place we love but it will all depend on the market rent. Our hope is that we can lock in at $1600 but they usually advertise it anywhere from $1700-$1950. We are guaranteed $300 off market rent but the guy told us the market can be up to $2000-$2500. However when we looked it at they were having a special rent of $1605/month so I'm guessing, if the economy continues to suck, we could be okay. Ughh. I just hate the not knowing right now. The closer I get to moving the more uneasy I feel about moving to a new place, starting a new job, not knowing anyone...I need some stability more than I thought I did. It makes my stomach do flips thinking about it.

I may have just packed my suitcase for Mexico 18 days early. I wanted to see what all I had and then ended up just packing it all. I don't need any of it considering it's raining and 40 degrees here so I won't miss the shorts, skirts and sandals that will sit in my suitcase for 3 weeks. I may just be a bit anxious!