my beautiful mess

I think I am going crazy. I don't know what my deal is right now but every single little thing regarding the future seems to completely control my mind at all times. I have had numerous people in my life tell me at one time or another that I need to just live in the moment. Sometimes I even like to think I do, but boy am I wrong. I am so future-oriented it's rediculous. As a girl who has no problem going with the flow or changing plans at random times, my Type A friends drive me absolutely crazy with their constant need for planning and organization and details. I am really worried I am experiencing some temporary Type A tendancies in this moment and it worries me.

I really don't have time to worry about the future and I'm not even sure what the worrying is going to accomplish. But for some reason I just can't stop thinking about it...and it doesn't help that no one is really interested in fueling my worries by letting me repeat them over and over (not that I really expect anyone is interested in that type of fun but every so often I just want to complain because I can).

So. What does this mean? And what am I worried about?
Above all things I worry that all this waiting and stock I have put into the future will suddenly just blow up in my face when I least expect it to. I can handle the unplanned easily but when the unplanned suddenly becomes my messy life...I don't do so well. I have no idea what this could be, maybe: I won't find a job, we won't get the house we want, I won't make friends, I will hate my job, I won't be able to afford all my expenses, my boyfriend will realize he doesn't want to be with me, something will happen to my family...I don't know, if I thought long enough the list could be endless.

Sometimes I just want to worry about it so that when it does happen, at least I knew it was coming...instead of spending the days with my head in the clouds thinking life is wonderful only to be suddenly caught off guard by something hugely terrible.

I hate this.

I'm crazy for worrying, I drive Nathan crazy with the worrying, I drive myself crazy...I don't know how to remedy it.